Life is full of contradictions. Good and evil. Sweet and bitter. Easy and hard. Me and my ex. It is so strange how sometimes opposites look confusingly similar; and oddly attract.
It’s been about two years since we broke up, and day by day things seem clearer to me. The impossibility of us being together strikes me to a T. Is it love that impedes our intuition? Or is the hope of beginning a new life with new options which entices us to go on and never mind the “minor” differences and cons? Is it the warmth of this inner feeling called ‘love’ that overwhelms relationships at the beginning, and lures us to continue being the lambs we choose to be, driven to the altar of sacrifice? Or betrayal? I do not know exactly what happened, and what my motivations were, but I remember being deeply and stupidly in love. These things happen, you know!
It was when I found out about his other affairs when I got the first slap on my unwary cheek. I had never seen that coming but the blow shook me to the bones. It woke me up. All of a sudden things did not look the way they were. I had to let go and never lag. It was not worth it any way. It was not worth the wait, the pain, the confusion and the bitterness. I did not want to go into that phase of blaming myself and asking a million questions revolving around “what went wrong?” It was not worth it because he cheated. Had he confronted me with whatever he thought was wrong, I’d have bothered to go through the process. But he opted for cheating, and I … I opted for leaving. Oprah once said in her show: “If the horse is dead, leave the carriage”. I left that dead horse and got out of the carriage and a new life was dawning on me.
“Single and proud” has never been my motto in life. One should never be proud of something he cannot control. By the same token, “committed and proud” is never a motto. But if you are happy in either case, you are a winner. Pride has nothing to do with one’s relationship status; but happiness does. I can’t say that I am a hundred percent happy, though. Who is? But I am happy. Happy enough to know that life is worth living. Happy enough to realize there is more to life than having to commit to someone who is not committed to you. Happy enough to understand that I deserve something better.
Isn’t it odd how the two words “bitter” and “better” look a like! You just have to remove the “I” and replace it with “E” to end up with a totally different meaning. I removed the “I” not only from my bitter past, but from my life in general. It is better all the way now. I look for better options, better quality of things I buy and use, better ways to do my job. I forgot to tell you I am a government employee. I work at the University Administration office. Many students come by everyday. They are young and hopeful. They have high hopes of fulfilling their individual dreams one day. I like it. I like seeing them. Their optimistic view of life spurs many positive ions into my veins. I end my day not feeling exhausted but refreshed. It’s as if I get a blood transfusion on daily basis. Unlike my colleagues who look fatigued all the time and… sad. Most of them are married, but there are some who are still single like myself. I do not think marriage is to blame here. Then, why do I feel different from them? They sometimes tell me they envy me for looking good and being so energetic almost all the time. I have my down moments, too, you know. I attribute this to my past; or maybe my attitude towards my past. I have been through some hardships like every one of us, but I chose to learn from them. After all, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. No body is perfect. I am not perfect. I sure did some mistakes in the past but I know I am not going to repeat them. No..No. Do not get me wrong. I am going to love again but I won’t choose my significant other based on the same criteria I used when I chose my ex. Different options always lead you to different results. And I am headed to totally different options, different people; even different places.
I do not want it to look that simple, though, because I do not want you to get the impression that this has been an easy process for me. I went through a lot of agony, lonely times, and a brief period of depression. That’s when I decided I cannot go on with this any longer. Life is not one person (including myself). Life is not about me or someone I love. It is about more of us. It is a journey; and when someone is on a journey they are normally accompanied by other people and multiple equipment. I like to think of life as a balloon safari. You blow some hot air in the balloon. You rise up in the sky. The higher you go, the smaller landscape gets. You get a perfect view of the whole landscape, and see your life for what it really is. Isn’t it weird how things look clearer from afar? It is to me. Then, if you want to go higher on a balloon, you have to throw away some weight. To go even higher, you throw away more weight. But if you want to come closer, you must decrease the heat. And as you get closer, you see more details and everything is bigger once again.
Life is full of contradictions. Big and small. Hot and cold. High and low. This is how things attract. This is how life works.
Noha Haggag
Thursday, 15 June, 2017
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